I’m always making an attempt to be that loving whirlwind of sunshine, smiles, and sarcastically humorous girl that so many of you know and love.
I just sometimes get tired – and I plummet.
I too… weep.
Tears, yes. But physically it feels as though my body weeps. I weep with debilitating pain, exhaustion, sadness, discouragement, fatigue, bodily insecurities, lack of purpose even. I periodically weep with defeat. Not all the time, but while in the trenches of relentless pain, yeah absolutely. All I want is a break, a release, any relief at all – I just want out.
For those that have followed my journey – you guys know some of the gauntlets this mutation has pushed me through, sometimes with a blindfold on. Every day varies. Lately I’ve been in the throes of a couple pretty bad days. Worse than the usual “bad days.” When you soar past your usual Gabapentin dosage, and when the hot baths don’t work – you assume it’s a growth spurt.. and not in a good way. When tumors grow, it’s a pretty distinctive feeling. Unmistakable. Uncontrollable. Dang near intolerable.
You go from a level of “barely there,” discomfort, to an easy level of eight, nine and tennnnn-acious spikes of “ouch!” It’s the type of surges that induce audible gasps with grimaces, verbal outcries, and sometimes will cause you to drop whatever it is you’re holding. You startle your spouse, your sleeping dog that’s laying beside you, and make strangers wonder if you’re tweaking.
Seriously, the anxiety of wondering what passers by are thinking, gets to you sometimes.
Nerves are incredible. I guess I never really gave it a whole lot of thought before. It’s safe to say that I definitely took healthy, cooperative, and functional nerves for granted. It’s easy to take advantage of something that the human body is capable of, and especially if it’s something that most everyone can do with ease. Walking, traveling, running/biking, cooking, driving, working, the list goes on. All of these basic actions for me, and many more – have been compromised, or have been taken away completely.
The role that nerves play are majorly important in the human body, and that kinda goes without saying really. But when you truly think about it…. from their ability to transmit messages, to the stimuli they control, down to their uncanny ability to harbor something they should never need to bear, (a.k.a. nerve tumors,) they adapt and evolve within the body. As a result, you adapt and evolve with them. I feel lightning, stinging, burning, slicing and carving in areas where the majority of people feel strength, good sensations and general normalcy. These descriptive pains have made permanent home in areas that’s too confidential to even blog about. So I’ll skip that over.
Ironically enough, I’m more grateful now than I ever was before. It’s just that things just look differently for me now than they did a few years ago.
Sure – the pain may have increased, but my appreciation for life and those few good days, have also increased. I’ve learned to live within the pockets of this life where pain is minimal. The temporal joys like spending time with loved ones, getting lost in a good song, training Tippet, cooking a favorite meal, going to the grocery store with my husband. These little things and so many more I use to take for granted.
Now, I revel in them. Every chance I get. And you should do the same.
TOMORROW IS ALWAYS A NEW DAY
When your life is a wavering card game, and the hand you’re dealt isn’t ideal – it’s sometimes putting on that “poker face” and giving this life game all you’ve got. Sometimes that’s witty humor, sometimes it’s being a tornado of smiles, laughter and hugs that infect joy in those around you. Sometimes it’s both!
Sometimes we will have days where we weep – and that’s okay. You’ve just gotta not stay there.
As a whole, I think it’s entirely possible to be a whirlwind of everything that is good, hopeful and radiant.
We need to be that person every chance we get.