Tears On My Pillow

Emotional Whirlwind

I think we have all been there. That mental and physical state in which everything seems cataclysmic, unsure, unpredictable. That one last emotional blow that sends your faith spiraling downhill, and you find yourself face to face with the enemy of indifference. You’re in this limbo of half numb, and half conscious. You hear voices, but not words, you’re moving, but at a subconscious level – lifeless motions all while trying to keeping it together and not break under the pressure. Waves of emotion rock you to your core and you’re comfortably numb.

Regrouping with the King

At some point, our prayers have looked like this. There’s so much we want to say, so many thoughts and feelings buzzing around our mind, and we’ve been carrying it silently for so long that by the time we get to our prayer war room, this is us. Tears are our words. And ya know what, that’s okay. Jesus knows.

Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings that cannot be uttered. Romans 8:26

This was me this past week, especially. Last Wednesday, September 18th, is when I hit my rock bottom. Wednesday morning I got landed in the E.R, with what we believe was a severe hypoglycemia attack. After explaining my diagnosis to the E.R doctor, (who actually knew about Neurofibromatosis, which is almost as rare as the condition itself,) he included an informational sheet regarding hypoglycemia and what triggers attacks. I found it eerily interesting that the page explaining hypoglycemia, and what causes it, mentioned:

If you do not have diabetes, hypoglycemia may be caused by :

A tumor in the pancreas. The pancreas is the organ that makes insulin.

Not eating enough, or not eating for long periods of time, (fasting). Severe infection or illness that affects the liver, the heart, or the kidneys.

Certain medicines.

You may also have reactive hypoglycemia. This condition causes hypoglycemia within four hours of eating a meal.

Elseiver Interactive Patient Education 2017 Elseiver Inc.

So, reading the above, the E.R doctor concluded that my “signature homemade vegan breakfast burrito,” which has been the highlight meal of my day for weeks now, consisting of at least 900 calories, may have been the cause. Be that as it were, Leslie has now changed the way she consumes calories. Small portions, more often.

However, next step? Time to get a scan of the abdomen and see what’s happening with my organs, and if there are any super special tumor friends joining the schwannomatosis party within this mortal frame I have. I digress.

In the outfield, with no catcher’s mitt, and a fast ball coming your way

So Wednesday continued. I’m home, resting, shot out on every level – and Emory calls that evening around 4:30 p.m. On the other end of the phone was an extremely nice lady, calling from the financial services department, and the call is regarding my procedure, for 9/24. She was calling to let me know that my cryoablation would not be covered by Alliant, my insurance.

In that moment, my eyes filled with tears, and my throat began to hurt as I choked back the raw emotion that was on the verge of billowing out. She was giving numbers, I barely heard them, as the emotions overwhelmed my retention ability. I kindly asked her to repeat them, and with a gracious tone back, she did. I wrote the figures down, and kept my words short, to not completely loose myself during this conversation. Her voice was kind, and understanding – it’s almost as if she knew.

We hung up. I lost it.

Talk about timing, Dell had just returned home from the grocery store, and had literally walked in the front door pretty much right after I had hung up the phone. He finds me sobbing in the office, and, as any husband would be, alarmed at the sight and confused as to what just happened. I explained it to him, we cried together, and we began brainstorming.

The cold hard truth

So, I received this news six days before my procedure. The bottom line is, Alliant, nor any other insurance companies cover this. Because this procedure is considered “an experimental treatment,” all insurance companies refuse to cover it. So, Dell and I didn’t really have a choice, we had to pay a pretty significant amount for my Cryoablation treatment.

Sometimes life throws you curve balls, hard to see, hard to catch, even more difficult to keep yourself grounded while that ball is flying your direction.

It’s hard to give thousands from your savings for something that’s not necessarily 100% guaranteed to work. Will I need this procedure again? Will I be the fluke case where there is no success rate with genetic nerve tumors? No one knows, but God does.

STEPPING OUT ON THAT LIMB OF FAITH

Sometimes you have to step out on that limb, or hang onto it for dear life. Either way, life is ever changing, always throwing surprises and challenges. Your arms may be weak, your legs might tremble – and your balance may be off, but it won’t be permanent. God conditions us through our battlefield. We each set out every day, and we fight. We fight anxiety, anger, depression, weakness, general hardship. We can’t give up, nor can we give in to the numbness we may feel.

Put on that armor, and get your head in the game.

What Satan may use to try and destroy you, Jesus is on the other side strengthening you through this pit of misery, through the muck and the mire. He knows every ounce of doubt, fear, and disbelief we experience. He knows the pain, and heartbreak, the temptation, and the silent mental agony that no human sees.

He knows, because He was there once.

What if the Lord had given up the day He was crucified? You and I – wouldn’t have the Holy Spirit to help us through our trials. Nor would we have salvation. When He was crucified, and He rose three days later, He made us a promise.

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all the things that I said to you. John 14:26

You can’t give up, or give in. No earthly trial or challenge, is more gruesome than what Jesus bore for us. Remember that. Remember the warrior that you are. Remember the Holy Spirit that resides within you – and know that the same power that brought Jesus back to life, is the same Holy Power that lives within the believer.

STAY THE COURSE

Keep going. No matter what. Yes, it will be hard sometimes. Yes, there will be doubt. Yes, there will be pain. Don’t let these earthly downtrodden feelings shake you of the will to push forward. Be a warrior, not a worrier.

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